EQUATION PROVES BARTENDER SKILL AT QUANTUM LEVEL

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A Bartender booked to work at The Grove Hotel in Hertfordshire last weekend is this afternoon answering questions from a selection of eminent scientists after inadvertently breaking the laws of physics on route to the job.

Toby Doug-Chuckles (26½), was called by the event organiser after missing the arranged pick up point at 5pm in central London. Toby calmly replied that he would meet the boss 37.3 miles away on site, in deep Hertfordshire countryside at six o’clock sharp.

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Harrow: Seemingly vast.

Physicists are now grappling with how Toby successfully arrived on time nearly forty miles away, using only public transport and collecting all his required uniform from a Barnado’s charity store along the way.

Toby acquired black shoes, trousers and a shirt in the thrift shop for just under £15 without falling below an average speed of 40 MPH. Scientists are puzzled,

“When factoring this in to Toby’s trip the probabilities of his timely arrival reaches a quantum level.”

Several mathematical theoreticians are collaborating on the production of an equation which goes some of the way to explaining what happened on Toby’s journey, however although the equation works Professor Charnold Kirpz found it difficult to explain.

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A charity shop, similar to the one frequented by Toby

“In the equation X equals the bartenders current mental state and W is the expressed will power of the individual, this is then divided by the distance to the event and multiplied by pie, which here represents what the bartender had for dinner. Ox is a chaotic factor in the equation, that being the charity shop Toby called through en route, which in the example given happened to have all the elements he required for a complete uniform at a manageable cost ratio. The whole sum is then divided by TFL2 and in this instance the outcome is C. Which of course should be impossible.”

When Toby was asked about the event itself he replied,

The equation in full.

The equation in full.

“It was one of those ‘standy-roundy’ gigs. Not much doing really. But the food was great. It took me four hours to get home afterwards.”

The practical implications of the new equation are yet to be fully understood. However it is believed this new strand of theoretical physics may help reduce confused queuing systems in fast food outlets as well as stream line skiving practices in the near future.

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EAVIS ANNOUNCES PERMANENT GLASTO ‘CITY-STATE’ BY 2050

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Michael Eavis today announced his long term plans for Glastonbury with the unveiling of details for a permanent city-state on the festival site by the year 2050.

The plans reveal a sustainable permanent environment in which music, pooled resource and self governance create the glue that binds the micro-society together. The project has been hinted at by those close to Eavis for several years, but this is the first time he has discussed the idea publicly.

GLASTONBURY, ENGLAND - NOVEMBER 10:  Glastonbury founder Michael Eavis stands in front of the new Worthy Farm's new solar photovoltaic system on November 10, 2010 in Glastonbury, England. The system, installed on the roof of the cow shed, is the largest private electricity-generating system in the UK and generates enough electricity to meet the annual demand of 40 average households. (Photo by Matt Cardy/Getty Images)

ENERGY: Wiggle, Wiggle, Wiggle.

“The atmosphere at Glastonbury exists before people arrive and after they leave. We are going to start expanding that state of mind consciously and physically over the next thirty five years.”

Plans for the freetown remain shrouded in mystery, however Mr. Eavis did confirm that the site would be entirely carbon neutral. A rough economic system functioning around citizens gifting time and labour has also been drafted.

In the system citizens would enjoy basic rights such as freedom of expression and access to safe water, sanitation and hygiene, as well as an ample vegetarian diet. In exchange for this each member of the community will be expected to perform regular civic duties which enable the site to maintain itself permanently.

When quizzed about the politics of the community Eavis pointed out that Glastonbury is not currently a democracy and no one feels the need to stage an election or form political parties.

The Conservative Party Front Bench look on as Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling delivers his Budget speech in the House of Commons. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Wednesday March 12, 2008. Photo credit should read: PA Wire

Redundant / No benefits.

“If there is no applied law other than respect for peoples freedom then there is no need for an institution to govern or produce laws. The only organisational structures required will be logistical and environmental in nature, these do not require politics simply because scientific knowledge takes precedent. For example, the only food we will provide is vegetarian, that’s simply because it is a no brainer that the planet cannot sustain everybody eating meat.”

By distributing work fairly and allocating community members an ‘existence package’ that provides everything a human needs in the most sustainable manner possible, it is calculated that each citizen would be required to donate 12 hours per week to the community. The rest of a citizens time is free to dedicate to art, teaching, craft work or any other creative endeavours, many of which will add value to Glastonbury’s economy.

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Henman: “I’m well in!”

Governmental concerns have already been raised regarding the sovereignty of a neo-feudal Glastonbury Republic, particularly in the wake of calls last week for London to establish it’s own independence. With the Conservative government happy to preside over the steady decline of the United Kingdoms, could this be the death knell for state authority over its populace? One source close to Eavis had this to say,

“Once the fence is up it is very difficult to breach the site. We are talking about getting organised, and creating an environment in which it is impossible for the government to apply it’s legislature. If we just do it I find it difficult to conceive of how they would stop us.”

For now though, Glastonbury’s faithful will be happy with just a week in muddy utopia. Particularly now a viable alternative society may be on the horizon of our lifetime. One life long Glastonbury attendee commented,

“Every year it feels as though a revolution is about to take place. Maybe this is the next logical step. I’m in.”

CHINA PREPARES FOR CHOPSTICK REVOLUTION.

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China this week launches the biggest logistical operation it’s food service industry has ever seen. The upgrade, the first seen by a major civilization since the spork in 1874, will see ‘in hand’ food capacity increase 17% and meals consumed on average 36 seconds quicker thanks to CS 3.0’s extra prong.

photo 5(1)

Some of the CS3’s we picked up last night in Beijing for testing.

The Peoples Republic of China has toyed with 3.0 since 1992. But it wasn’t until 2004 that Hu Jintao finally took the decision to initiate the ten year upgrade period, culminating in this summer’s delivery of the long term project. It is thought the economic powerhouse held off until now in order to ensure a smooth transition away from the now redundant two chopstick format.

The upgrade has produced instant economic ripples with chop stick stocks leaping several points over night while traditional western utensil industries lost a significant amount of value worldwide. Many tech industry experts also predict an evolution in data input devices, as Chinese fingers move forwards in terms of dexterity and nimbleness.

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In action today, it took me about 20 minutes to get the hang of it.

CS1 is thought to have originally been introduced prior to any organised dynastic rule, around the 5th millennium BCE. Double chop stick usage crept in during the popularization of noodle dishes around 200 BCE, however the application of the second chop stick wasn’t officially acknowledged by the Han dynasty until fifty or sixty years after the evolution took place amongst the populace. The current Chinese ruling class has been keen to stay ahead of it’s population this time around.

Chop Stick 3.0 is expected to inspire a wave of new culinary options and subcultures, particularly as the 3G chopstick user has the luxury of holding two distinct pieces of sustenance aloft at any one moment. Suggestions include:

  • Piece of onion + clump of sticky rice.
  • Sweet and sour pork piece + prawn cracker fragment.
  • Two pieces of chicken at once.

    celebration

    Street atmosphere on launch day: “Like the Olympics are back”

Many are now taking a moment to breath after the long awaited and heavily planned extra chop stick roll out. However there are some already considering what’s on the horizon. For Joo Sung (36), assistant project director of CS3.0,  it isn’t too soon to start work on CS4, although Joo does concede that 4.0 won’t arrive within her life time.

“I’ve been working on CS3 for for most of my professional life and although the planet will take some time to adjust to the increased capacity and modal optioning, I’m already looking at CS4 and thinking what could be possible. I know our government is already putting together place holder plans and speculating on provisional release dates for CS4.0 some time in the 24th century. It would be incredible to have an input on that.”

production

Joo Sung contemplating the culmination of her career.

For many though, even two chop sticks is two too many. Several US politicians and NGO’s are backing a campaign to introduce a new implement in the west to bring America and Europe in line with the latest eastern advances. American linguist and political commentator Noam Chomsky yesterday warned of a potential cutlery race that could not only effect Americas obesity crisis but also any chance of future geopolitical stability.

For now however, people on the street’s of China are happy with the launch, and are looking forwards to the new and exciting prospects CS3.0 heralds for Chinese food, culture and China’s place within the world.

REVEALED: “BARS YOU MUST VISIT BEFORE YOU DIE” NOT COMPULSORY.

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‘The vintage china we serve the cocktail in adds to the bullshit we surround it with.’

No action was taken today against a string of rebel bartenders that have been surreptitiously avoiding visits to the most recent list of threateningly marketed establishments.

The latest click-baity plethora of bars we all ‘must’ appear at before shifting off this mortal coil was exposed by reasonable individuals wishing to remain anonymous as simply another pile of decent watering holes.

All of those that made the new #bucketpissed qualified by opening in the last six months, recently jazzing up there menu or spending money on making everything in the bar look really old. Others have put there drinks in tea cups.

Evidence suggests that another fifteen, nineteen, sixteen or possibly twelve “bars you must visit before you die” will be ‘discovered’ (or opened) in a few months time. More than likely just before Christmas, as PR spending budgets are released and freebie demanding journos exchange liquor for positive column inches.

It is doubtful any bars on previous lists of epic venues appealing to the terminally ill will make future articles, as those reporting on such locations have now happily passed away.

Research suggests that the only bar everyone will actually visit before death is Wetherspoons.

SBT recommends Sovereign Loss in Brixton, but does not insist upon your attendance.

ONLY BARTENDER IN WORLD NOT ENTERING BOLS COMP STEPS FORWARDS

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Jonathon’s bar in Mongolia: 564km to the nearest ice cube.

A Bartender living in the remote Mandal region of outer Mongolia today stepped forwards to announce he will not be entering the Bols competition and implored his friends and industry colleagues to vote for everybody else instead.

Jonathan Baker, who moved to Mongolia specifically to avoid the constant barrage of tastings, competitions, drinks expo’s and awards ceremonies was happy for everyone else involved,

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Bols Master Distillers handicraft at work.

“I really want everyone to vote for everyone and then everyone can finish first. I’m thrilled to be part of such a self congratulatory industry. I met a guy last week that is working on a cocktail that will cure cancer.”

BOLS BLUE is available now for £14.76 and tastes like shit. It is spiced with the rare Japanese herb E133 and is steeped in a wonderful history concocted by sales execs in an office in Chepstow in 1973.

In other news an inquiry over alleged vote swapping has already been launched. Corruption allegations in the upper echelons of the drinks industry have been levied by a multitude of bartenders.

Seriously though. SBT’s vote goes to THIS GUY, (Who is not me btw).

HOW TO ROB PROPERLY.

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A lot of you have been asking for more technical stuff. So this is a simple and to the point technical examination of the best, most tried and tested methods of ripping of your bar of choice, from this side of the sticks.

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Probably did it.

Before you look over at that high horse, locked away in an impenetrable stable of self imposed morality, let us all take a moment to acknowledge something every bartender reading this blog has in common.

You have stolen alcohol in the workplace. It is more than likely that the alcohol you stole was surreptitiously converted to cash or reward in some indirect and convoluted pride protecting mechanism. You will probably do it again.

Now listen. Some of you are horrible people. That’s because we are members of the human species, within which a few rotten eggs exist. Lots of you will be aware of a large scale personal theft that occurred in the middle of the London bar scene only weeks ago. Lots of you will have read Haley Forest’s recent article detailing the unfortunate experience of William Pineapple when he lost two lovely jiggers at an industry event.

Upon reading this piece I did agree with most of the sentiment. I agree that it is entirely wrong to take another persons personal possessions. But there is such a thing as honour amongst thieves. You’ll know if you are crossing the line because you will feel in your bones that you are fucking someone over and that is not what I am writing about.

But, to imagine the bar industry has a more accurate moral compass than the general public is pure fallacy. I would go a step further and suggest there is more pirate DNA in ‘The Industry’ than most working environments. There are more bartender thieves than dentist thieves. Know thyself.

Powerful as ones ego is, particularly within the bartender species, we cleverly compartmentalize away our theft into neat and tidy drip trays of denial. E.g:

  • It’s just a shot on a Saturday night with the team.
  • These guys are regulars, this is just great customer service.
  • I’m sure they wont mind if I just stick one on the tab for me.
  • I just don’t give a fuck if the till balances. This fifty pound note is coming with me.
Smokin-Hot-Bartenders-4

Spacing out my text with pictures helps you to digest the content.

The common word in all of these sentences is ‘just’. Just is an interesting word in the English language because it essentially contains the lie purporting to be truth. Whenever someone uses the word ‘just’ to you: Be the fuck aware. And believe me, it’s everywhere. When someone uses it, it means you need to ask them more questions.

Let’s get to it. Here are some classics of the genre:

  • the under ring.

The West End classic. Accrue a medium sized cash prize upon shift completion by regularly missing drinks off bills. To get this right you need to know the menu well and be confident with arithmetic. Tricky if receipts are given out. I saw a high profile bottle basher taken down with a mid shift cash out and marched right out the door once. A gem of a moment.

  • the under pour

Fantastic for geeks keen to keep the stock balanced. Whip 5ml (or more) from selected shots and feel smug developing your own positive liquor tab. A great bar manager once said “We should always be up on spirits!” Requires free pouring culture.

Excellent when applied to people that are already wankered but keen to keep drinking. I used to play a game where we would see how little alcohol we could get away with putting in a drink. I won by dipping the top of the straw in a vodka bottle. “Wow, that’s strong!” he slurred.

  • tab bashing

Twenty for you. One for me. Works best on large parties, especially if you can smell that the service is being removed from the bill and people are clamouring to avoid leaving a well deserved tip. Beware that 5 x 50ml Roses Small Batch stands out against 12 litres of Rosé and 168 mojitos. Bar managers particularly like this one if they’ve had to relentlessly fop around after a party all night without reward and need to reach a sales target.

  • the freebie

This is how the London bar scene takes care of itself and I am extremely proud that the code of consideration between us all extends to the point that even bartenders that fucking hate me still look after me in this respect. Probably not anymore. Technique: Give someone worthwhile a free drink. Payoff: ‘Just’ pay it forwards.

  • The Obscenely Rich

Often manifest in events companies ripping off corporates on a significant scale, that scam has more to do with over production.

On an individual level, why the fuck not, David Cameron isn’t going to tax them properly, you may as well.

I worked at a spectacular event for a guy who’s grandad invented the elastic band or something. He was having a humungous party in a different major city across the world every month for a whole year. The party I worked had Kanye West playing to about 200 people. I took a bottle of JW Black Label. Victimless crime bro.

  • Stock import

This was a favourite at Café De Paris in Leicester Square twenty-five years ago. The bartender’s would invest in a case or ten of Moet at the local Bookers and then pocket the cash from selling their personal stock over the bar. This one works particularly well if the bar is making money hand over fist anyway and shouldn’t be attempted unless the whole team is in on it.

  • Theft from Above!

At the now defunct Navajoe Joe’s in Covent Garden waiters would earn £3 p/h and then the rest of their pay was rounded up to the minimum wage from a sales based commission. They were very smug about how legal it all was. Linking wage to sales in this respect decreases the risk for the business owner, allowing them to speculate with more staff on busier days. The staff en masse and unwittingly accepted that risk.

The worst part about this exceedingly cheeky bullshit is that pervading the venue were various examples of socialist Latin iconography.

  • Pocketing gratuities

This is rife. I asked in a very fancy Camden based joint yesterday, “Do you get the service?”, the response was a despondent shrug combined with a facial expression which read as “I don’t really know what they are up to.” Manipulating gratuities for the benefit of the house seriously offends me. We could probably start a campaign to get this fixed. Who’s with me?

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Here is a hilarious video in which a guy is arguing that bartenders will try and bring in their own POS system to really make some big bucks. Best quote of the video is “Judge how much a bartender is stealing by the car he drives.” Incredible.

And finally what to do if you are…

Getting busted

  • Deny everything – “No, no, no, no, no definitely not, I didn’t do it how could you even, no, no, yes. This job is lame. I quit anyway.”
  • Confess everything – Yes, absolutely, of course I did that. That’s what I always do. I thought that was the thing. That isn’t the thing? Oh I’m very sorry about that. I thought that was what I was supposed to do. Ahem.
  • Last but not least: A crime is only a crime when the loss is noticed or you are caught. A good bartender knows the line.

Disclaimer: You are free. Do what you like.

Thanks for reading.

NORTH KOREA HACKS TINDER.

Cheese obsessed lonely nutter and Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Un, has gone ‘emmental’ and hacked into digital STD spreading app Tinder.

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KIM: Shit at praying Tinder.

The latest North Korean foray into 21st century cyber warfare has revealed that most Tinder users, regardless of gender, enjoy “putting it about a bit”.

But, despite the latent promiscuity of 100% of Tinder users, Kim’s ability to attract Asian, or any other kind of babes has apparently “run out of Juche”.

The cyber attack was allegedly ordered after a mystified Kim Jong Un received matches which all began by demanding “120 Roses” for the “GF treatment”.

K-JU (His preferred moniker and the name of his self titled 2012 K-pop album) claims to be a wizard at moving through the ‘Tinder>Whatsapp> Uber>Disappointment’ paradigm.

However, The ‘Supreme’ Commander was upset to find “there is no one new around” in 2015. Kim’s use of Tinder confirms his heterosexuality for many, however others speculate that he is more of a fascist ‘dick taker’.

He received no new matches despite extending his search distance and age range to maximum. Although it has been noted that he does own the only smart phone in the failed state.

The hacked data reveals that all Tinder users enjoy ‘a good seeing to’ despite desperately wanting more. Elsa Plinth, 33, said,

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Tinder: Full of surprises.

“Being underwhelmed is standard. No one ever got whelmed playing the Tinder. That aside, it’s fun hooking up, getting smashed, and then ‘getting smashed’. The main criteria is to not be an absolute tosspot. I always look in the fridge. If they have hummus in the fridge, they are probably a cock.”

Responding to criticisms that some people are ‘only after one thing’, regular user Calvin Plenary, 29, replied,

“It’s not just one thing. I also expect a dynamic sexual skill set, an occasional glass of water and my match to be located in a 3km radius, preferably along the Victoria line. Although I will go the extra mile for someone who will ‘go the extra mile’ for me. By ‘extra mile’ I mean, getting nasty. By ‘getting nasty’, I mean seriously degrading yourself.”

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea had hoped to somehow topple the west by revealing the nature of it’s decadence and simultaneously  assist in getting the tubby fascist laid. But K-JU’s cyber team was not prepared for the fact that, Tinder or not, everyone loves to bonk, just not him it seems. The North Korean military have now enlisted a team of crack gardeners to furnish the lonely Un with the number of roses he requires to satisfy his needs.

Annual Tinderfest in Toulouse, France.

Critiques claim the amount of time and energy wasted by K-JU and others on getting laid could be better used elsewhere. A somewhat biased former aide to the North Korean leader said, ‘just hire a prozzi and get on with it mate. That’s what they are there for. To be nice to you when everyone else thinks you’re a prick. And mate, you are a prick.’

Currently 0.16% of the world’s population are active Tinder users. If the current adoption rate continues the entire population of Earth will be ‘nailing it’ in precisely 1200 years time.

CHINA PREPARES FOR CHOPSTICK REVOLUTION

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China this week launches the biggest logistical operation it’s food service industry has ever seen. The upgrade, the first seen by a major civilization since the spork in 1874, will see ‘in hand’ food capacity increase 17% and meals consumed on average 36 seconds quicker thanks to CS 3.0’s extra prong.

photo 5(1)

Some of the CS3’s we picked up last night in Beijing for testing.

The Peoples Republic of China has toyed with 3.0 since 1992. But it wasn’t until 2004 that Hu Jintao finally took the decision to initiate the ten year upgrade period, culminating in this summer’s delivery of the long term project. It is thought the economic powerhouse held off until now in order to ensure a smooth transition away from the now redundant two chopstick format.

The upgrade has produced instant economic ripples with chop stick stocks leaping several points over night while traditional western utensil industries lost a significant amount of value worldwide. Many tech industry experts also predict an evolution in data input devices, as Chinese fingers move forwards in terms of dexterity and nimbleness.

photo 1(3)

In action today, it took me about 20 minutes to get the hang of it.

CS1 is thought to have originally been introduced prior to any organised dynastic rule, around the 5th millennium BCE. Double chop stick usage crept in during the popularization of noodle dishes around 200 BCE, however the application of the second chop stick wasn’t officially acknowledged by the Han dynasty until fifty or sixty years after the evolution took place amongst the populace. The current Chinese ruling class has been keen to stay ahead of it’s population this time around.

Chop Stick 3.0 is expected to inspire a wave of new culinary options and subcultures, particularly as the 3G chopstick user has the luxury of holding two distinct pieces of sustenance aloft at any one moment. Suggestions include:

  • Piece of onion + clump of sticky rice.
  • Sweet and sour pork piece + prawn cracker fragment.
  • Two pieces of chicken at once.

    celebration

    Street atmosphere on launch day: “Like the Olympics are back”

Many are now taking a moment to breath after the long awaited and heavily planned extra chop stick roll out. However there are some already considering what’s on the horizon. For Joo Sung (36), assistant project director of CS3.0,  it isn’t too soon to start work on CS4, although Joo does concede that 4.0 won’t arrive within her life time.

“I’ve been working on CS3 for for most of my professional life and although the planet will take some time to adjust to the increased capacity and modal optioning, I’m already looking at CS4 and thinking what could be possible. I know our government is already putting together place holder plans and speculating on provisional release dates for CS4.0 some time in the 24th century. It would be incredible to have an input on that.”

production

Joo Sung contemplating the culmination of her career.

For many though, even two chop sticks is two too many. Several US politicians and NGO’s are backing a campaign to introduce a new implement in the west to bring America and Europe in line with the latest eastern advances. American linguist and political commentator Noam Chomsky yesterday warned of a potential cutlery race that could not only effect Americas obesity crisis but also any chance of future geopolitical stability.

For now however, people on the street’s of China are happy with the launch, and are looking forwards to the new and exciting prospects CS3.0 heralds for Chinese food, culture and China’s place within the world.

BARTENDER MYSTERY SOLVED AFTER 13 YEARS

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Thirteen years after losing his home, a bartender has finally learned the true cause of his eviction nightmare.

The bartender, who wishes to remain ‘secret’, was forced to find somewhere else to live after a neighbour sent their diary of trauma (shown here for the first time), to the landlord, listing the extensive tomfoolery.

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Royal mail: Surprisingly efficient.

The landlord received the letter of complaint, detailing insomnia inducing escapades over several weekends.

That document was then forwarded to the bartender shortly before an eviction notice was served in late 2003.

It lists various happenings at the party house, including a plethora of mystery occurrences, up to now never fully understood.

The documented noise complaints included:

  • ‘Playing golf on the skirting boards’ / ‘ten pin bowling’
  • A ‘Man shouting let me out’
  • ‘Clonking, shouting, knocking, cheering, more clonking’
  • ‘terrific bangs’
  • ‘Perverted sexual acts’
  • And also, a failure to regularly cut the grass.

Throughout the letter the abused complainant alludes to a sinister undercurrent of hyper sexual darkness. However, despite the unusual formatting and imaginative language, the letter is grammatically correct and entirely readable.

A separate letter writer stated that  ‘under vastly increased strain and mental pressure, it is commendable that such an engaging and colourful account has been produced.’

At the time, the bartender, his colleagues and friends were bemused, “I kind of understood some of it, My friends locked me in a cupboard all night when I hot boxed it. Also, no one likes an untidy lawn. But the ‘clonking’ and ‘perverted’ acts have all been a mystery, until now.”

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Lucid: Scrageing on the ashfelt

On four out of the five nights detailed, the mystery ‘clonking’ features heavily in the neighbours version of events, often accompanied by ‘loud music’ and ‘cheering’.

The big show seems to take place between 12.07am and 12.35am on the 6th August 2003.

The ‘constant loud banging’, ‘terrific bangs’, ‘loud knocks’ and ‘more banging’ are accompanied by ‘girls screaming’ and ‘more screaming’ along with ‘a man shouting at the top of his voice’.

It all seems to culminate when ‘a male shouts “Whah-hee”‘. Finally at 12.35am there is ‘quiet at last’. The besieged neighbour theorises: ‘are they playing ten pin bowling on a wooden floor?’.

Upon further investigation it would seem not. SBT can exclusively reveal that the bartender in question was competing in a regional flair competition shortly after the time period detailed in this letter.

“It’s pretty obvious in hindsight. Although in the moment we thought my neighbour was making most of it up. It’s a bit blurry.”

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FLAIR: Art or Nightmare?

And how did the flairer get on?

“I went out in the first minute of the first round. I lined up ten vinyl tins and nine of them flew over my head before I caught one. And I had this trick where for some reason I had loads of blue roll stuffed inside an Absolut bottle. I can’t remember why.”

The bartender reportedly performed to Bonnie Tyler’s classic flair anthem ‘I need a hero’. At least from the ‘Whah-hee’s’ and ‘cheering’ we can deem that the flair practice was a success, despite the significant number of drops during the extended sessions.

The house party crowd obviously judge flair in a very different manner to most competition judges.


FRAPE LEADS BARTENDER TO CARIBBEAN DREAM JOB

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A Bartender from the UK is now living and working a dream job in The Cayman Islands after being fraped by a colleague in May last year.

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‘The Frapee’: In his new bar.

Stephen ‘Q’ Quainton, 34, formerly Manager of BYOC, Brighton, was fraped twice over the course of one evening in May 2014, leading to a flurry of job offers, including several abroad.

The first attack on Quainton’s Facebook page, posted by a mischievous bartender, read ‘I FUCKING QUIT.’ This initial frape attracted a myriad of concerns from friends, relatives and industry peers.

The frapist, who appropriately wishes to remain ‘secret’, had this to say,

“I try to be constructive with all my frapes and it turned out this was precisely the right frape at precisely the right time.”

It was however the frapist’s follow up an hour and a half later that propelled ‘Q’ into a new career path on the other side of the world.

Checking to see the fallout his invasion of Stephen’s personal-virtual space had caused, the devils advocate found his victim had been too busy doing his actual job, to have checked in on Facebook during the busy shift.

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Stephen: Great at insults.

Seizing the opportunity, the assailant dutifully wrote a follow up frape requesting: ‘Seriously guys, anyone need a bar manager?’.

By this time, the original post had been seen by many people at the top of the bar industry’s close knit global community. Between the time of the initial frape and Stephen’s discovery and deletion, he received a healthy 17 offers and enquiries.

Stephen then posted a rebuttal to the frape, but by this time, the seed had been planted. Stephen commented,

Some might liken these events to a butterfly causing a tsunami. But it’s more a case of some idiot’s jovial intrusion catalyzing an already wholly plausible eventuality.

Mr. Quainton can now be found in the midst of a year long contract, managing bar at The Bistro, West Bay Road, Grand Cayman, and enjoying his Sunday afternoons whizzing around the bay with his beautiful girlfriend Ursula. What a guy.

Here’s one of Stephen’s unique cocktail recipe’s, up to now only found at The Bistro.

Stephen’s ‘Snee Quay’11039780_10155233211495237_626242550_o

1oz Clement White (Martinique)

1oz Appleton VX (Jamaica)

1oz Lemon

1oz Lime

1oz Pineapple (All fresh of course)

1oz Tiki Syrup (Q’s Secret recipe)

1oz Falurnum (Home-made from Wrey & Nephew, ginger, lime, clove and toasted macadamia)

Shake and strain over fresh ice & a silly glass. Lace an ounce of Pusser’s Navy (Barbados) on the top and garnish like you give a fuck.